Hey Ben –
I wanted to balance out some of the other things I have been posting about. It’s been a wild ride, to say the least. Thank you for the post about the energy in the building and the “gun culture.” I am asking myself pretty much the exact question you used “Am I thriving?” The answer is no. So far it seems I have to choose either self care OR getting work done. I feel good at school when I take care of myself. And I get more and more behind. I am taking this weekend to sort it all this out.
I am self-conscious about the amount of negativity I have been absorbing, whirling in and projecting. I have become “that person” you want to avoid…”Debbie Downer,” due to the innumerable things I’ve allowed myself to focus on instead of the flow that is constant.
Last week I came to the realization, or more accurately, admitted to myself what my body has been signaling all along: “Get out! Get out! Get out! Save yourself! You are depleted!” So I began crafting a very short letter of resignation: “For health reasons I have decided to step down….” I may submit it this coming week.
AND YET…something shifted this week. I don’t want to over analyze. It still may be in my best interest to let go of this gig. AND YET…there is something making me question bailing out at this particular moment.
Here are some bright moments that I have been taking for granted and /or not fully appreciating. Some of them are actually pretty huge when I allow myself to “go there.” They won’t go in a portfolio of any kind. They won’t get written up by my admin because they are not part of a “highly structured and detailed lesson plan.” They don’t even reflect any language acquisition gains.
* I had fun yesterday. Real live honest to goodness fun in the way I remember being joyful in the classroom. Maybe I had fun because I am about to leave. I don’t know exactly. A student in my level 2 commented “maestra, es muy cómica hoy!” to which I replied without missing a beat “yo sé!” Ahhh. The old me is still in there!
*I had fun because we did NO WORKSHEETS!
*I had fun because I riffed off whatever was happening.
*I had fun because for once I did not worry that I was not really “doing CI” since at the moment it is impossible to get a “din” going. Don’t ask about the completely wacky study hall system in this school (study hall kids “in the back of the room” while we teach. ugh.)
*I had fun because for a few minutes (miracle!) I finally reeled in two of the most challenging students *twice* this week!
* I had fun because I made (heh…invited…) my grumpy advisory kids to cut out stars and draw Christmas Darth Vader to decorate our door. And they actually did it.